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Creating Safety in Crucial Conversations
One of the most important determining factors in the success of a crucial conversation is the ability to create safety. When you make it safe, you create an environment where it’s possible to talk to anyone about anything.
It’s a great concept, but how does this look in the real world?
A Real-World Scenario: The Airport Incident
Let me put you in this situation.
You have been travelling internationally for work and just arrived at the airport, ready to go back home. As you enter the building, your heart sinks. The airport is crammed with people, the computers are down, and the employees are scrambling. The lines are long and moving at a glacial pace. You believe there is little chance of making your flight, but you get in line and start waiting.
About an hour later, the line has made an unexpected amount of progress, and you believe you might actually make the flight. Then, out of nowhere, a woman comes across the lobby with a cart overloaded with luggage and pushes her way into the line a few people ahead. She doesn’t know who she’s messing with… but, luckily for her, it’s not you.
Whilst you’re irritated, the guy she cut directly in front of is enraged.
“You, get out of line!” he yells.
She refuses, “No! I have to get in line to make this flight! My kids are expecting me!”
Again, he insists, “Get out of line!” then pushes her luggage cart.
She pushes back. He pushes back again. You see where this is going.
Finally, as the situation escalates to a peak, he shoves the cart aside, clenches his fist, and rears back, ready to punch her.
The Moment of Decision: Should You Get Involved?
Standing about five people back in line, you feel you have to get involved. In a panic, you jump between him and her. Bad idea.
His face is overcome with confusion. But then, that confusion turns into white-hot rage. His eyes bulge out of his head, and he clenches his fist even tighter.
What now?
Understanding His Perspective: What Story is He Telling Himself?
What story is he telling himself about you? Now, in his mind, you’re the bad guy. You’re not just an innocent bystander anymore—you’re the person standing between him and what he believes is justice.
The key to handling tough conversations, especially in high-stakes situations, is to create safety. If someone feels threatened, ignored, or dismissed, they either shut down or lash out. And right now, this guy is firmly in the “lash out” category.
An Example Response That Defuses Tension
My question to you: What would you say first? You don’t have much time!
Here’s what I would say: “You’ve been standing here in line for over an hour. That was unfair for her to cut in front of you. She shouldn’t have done that. I’ll help you solve the problem. We’ll get someone from the airport over here, and we’ll work this out. It’ll be okay.”
Why This Works: The Power of Safety in Communication
What did I do? I created safety.
To feel psychologically safe, people need to know two things:
- You care about their problem.
- You care about them.
Once someone knows you care, they’ll let you say anything. This includes a stubborn manager, a disgruntled peer, or an upset customer. If they feel safe, they’ll listen. They may not always agree, but they’ll listen. Safety paves the way for a crucial conversation.
The Consequences of Unsafe Conversations
When people don’t feel safe in a conversation, they tend to react in one of two ways:
Silence: The Avoidance Trap
Some people shut down completely. They stop talking, nod along, or walk away, but they don’t actually engage. The problem doesn’t get solved; it just lingers beneath the surface, waiting to explode later.
Violence: The Escalation Effect
Others go on the attack. They raise their voices, interrupt, become sarcastic, or, in extreme cases—like our friend at the airport—physically lash out.
In either case, the conversation isn’t productive, and the relationship suffers.
How to Create Safety in Difficult Conversations
The key to handling crucial conversations effectively is ensuring both parties feel safe enough to talk openly. Here’s how you can do it:
1. Start with Mutual Purpose
Before you say anything, ask yourself: What’s the common ground here? What do you and the other person both want? In our airport example, both the angry man and the woman want to catch their flights. That shared purpose provides a foundation for dialogue.
2. Acknowledge Their Feelings
Validating emotions doesn’t mean agreeing with them. You don’t have to justify someone’s rage to acknowledge it. A simple “I can see you’re really frustrated” can go a long way in de-escalating tension.
3. Show That You Care
Reassuring someone that you care about their experience makes them more willing to hear what you have to say. It moves the conversation from adversarial to collaborative.
4. Offer a Constructive Solution
People are more likely to listen when they believe a resolution is possible. In the heat of a moment, offering a tangible next step (e.g., “Let’s get an airport employee involved”) helps shift focus from frustration to problem-solving.
Bringing it Back to the Workplace: Leadership and Communication Skills
While the airport scenario is dramatic, the principles apply directly to workplace communication. Whether you’re addressing conflict resolution, navigating workplace communication, or improving leadership skills, the ability to create safety is crucial.
Handling Tough Conversations with Employees
If an employee isn’t meeting expectations, jumping straight into criticism can put them on the defensive. Instead, start by expressing concern and finding common ground before discussing performance issues.
Navigating Difficult Conversations with Colleagues
Colleagues often have different work styles or priorities. Rather than assuming bad intentions, approach the conversation with curiosity: “Can you help me understand why this approach is important to you?”
Communicating with Senior Leadership
When speaking with leadership, it’s easy to feel intimidated. Instead of shrinking back, focus on shared goals: “I know we both want to see this project succeed. Here’s what I’ve observed…”
Mastering the Art of Crucial Conversations
Effective communication isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about handling it well. Whether you’re at an airport, in a boardroom, or leading a team, the ability to create safety in conversations will determine whether your dialogue leads to resolution or resentment.
The next time you find yourself in a tough conversation, remember: If you can make the other person feel heard and valued, you can talk to anyone about anything. And hopefully, you’ll never have to dodge a punch at the airport.
To learn more about how your organisation can benefit from Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue training, click here.
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